Testing The Waters
***Y'all who were reading before - you know I am HONEST to a fault. This post contains my honest feelings and is not censored. If you came here today to get cheered up or motivated, I apologize in advance. You might want to tune in another day!***
A big hello to you all! Wow - I can't believe it has been four years since I was involved in blogging. I have often wondered "is it time to revive the blog" over this time...and after some encouragement from long time readers and friends, I have decided to test the waters!
It feels so strange - I don't even know if folks read blogs anymore! I know that most blogging happens on platforms such as Instagram, which in my mind is for pictures more than content. And heck let's face it, most days I don't even put on makeup or fix my hair, so that will NOT work for this chick. HA! If you're still around and want to read my ramblings, this is the place for you. 😀
The last time I blogged I was so focused on losing weight and regaining my health through my fitness and eating journey. I was mostly successful, until I failed. Life and other shit happened. Like any other goal, the road to success is paved with land mines. Many of those we create, others we merely participate. I did a little of both. I managed to lose 74 pounds and felt INVINCIBLE. I felt so. dang. good. Like I could handle anything...I could do anything! I could run! I could flip tires at boot camp! I could lift weights! I could Zumba without asking for a margarita! (LOL) I could take a fitness class in the morning and then run 3-6 miles in the evening! I lost weight! I sold my fat clothes! I said "NEVER AGAIN". And then...like I said, shit happened. Now, I have managed to gain 30 of those pounds back onto my poor body, and it's not happy with me.
I am sure my friends on Facebook are so tired of me whining and complaining about the fact that I can't run any more, doctor's orders. What I would give to make that advice different...I don't think even Freud would want to be inside my brain to work all this out right now. I am lost. I am lazy. My knee HURTS. It hurts no matter what I do (or don't do, most days). My doctor, who I trust 110%, says I need a knee replacement. As a result of this, he advises NO running. I have four places on this knee that have NO cartilage. None. He performed arthroscopic surgery to fix a torn medial meniscus back in March. Once they got into my knee and determined the amount of the damage to my cartilage, combined with severe arthritis, surgery protocol says "knee replacement". Did I mention I am only 48 years old? Of course, that means no doctor wants to replace my knee because of my age. Knee replacements typically last 10-12 years, and who wants to have 3-4 of those before you die? Not me.
BUT - I am left with the sobering reality that all the running, jumping around, dancing, squats, lunges, step aerobics, etc that I used to - I can't do anymore. And believe me when I tell you, I am suffering. It's depressing. Really depressing. When I found out about all of this in March, I would cry at least three times a day. I tried my best to have those moments in private, keeping it from my husband and family. Now, I generally only cry about once a day, and it's usually in the shower. So that is progress, yes?
How does one go from 100mph to 10mph and not be impacted? Would someone please tell me? Ahhhh yes, I know what some of you will say...find an activity you like and do that. It can replace your running. So far, that hasn't been in the case. I am stuck in the funk of depression about the situation. I am trying. I promise. And one day, I won't be complaining about it. But for now...this is what it is. And it has consequences to others, not just to me. I feel guilty because my husband is also not running because I can't. How is this fair to him? It's not...and I feel so guilty about it too.
Maybe if I hadn't spent all those years overweight...maybe my poor knees would have had a chance. It doesn't seem fair to finally find something you love to do, get your weight under control, enjoy it with your husband and your friend group, to have it all taken away. I'm sure there is a bigger message here, but I haven't found it yet. I promise, I will keep looking. And I will keep waking up every day and trying. But today, I am having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself. It will be different tomorrow.