Shopaholic in Alabama

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Another "Childless By Choice" Mother's Day - Updated!



Happy Tuesday, everyone! Since I took a blog break that lasted almost the entire month of May, I just realized that I didn't have a chance to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day!

The above photo was taken Mother's Day Weekend 2011. My Mother and sister both came down to the beach and we had a girls' dinner out at Cobalt, a local restaurant. It occurred to me that many of my readers are new within the last year, and probably never read my post from Mother's Day 2010. This explains a lot about mine and the DH's decision to be "Childless By Choice". Perhaps it's time for a repeat! 

It is very important to me that you, my readers, feel like you actually know me and I'm a real person. Sometimes I think that in the blogging world, there is this sense of trying to impress readers and other bloggers. I'm not here to impress you, but I do hope to entertain you and find new and special friends along the way.

I hope you feel like you know me better after reading - originally published HERE on May 8, 2010. Text is copied and pasted below. I can't wait to hear your comments - enjoy!

Happy Saturday, my friends! Hopefully you're out enjoying a nice weekend with family and/or friends. We're having sunny and warm weather; it's absolutely gorgeous outside! Warning you ahead of time here - my post today is a little different than normal, but I wanted to share an extremely personal story with you all. I debated about whether to post this, but I hope you'll find it heartfelt and honest.

I'm preparing a Mother's Day celebration tonight and tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to dinner with my Mother, my Nanny (my only living grandmother), and my younger Sister. My Dad arranged a nice dinner for us (and is paying the bill!). Don't feel too sorry for the boys though, word has it they're going to eat raw oysters and have a few cold ones. After spending a little time with Mother on Sunday morning, we will go visit DH's Mother.

Seriously though, today I would like to tell you all about me and the DH being "childless by choice" - at least that's how the story begins....

As a child and later a teenager, college student and young adult woman, my "mothering" desires and skills were not honed. It's difficult to explain, but I had ZERO desire to ever become a Mother. I knew it from a very young age. You know when you're a young girl and you're talking to your friends, slumber parties and such where you tell secrets. "Are you ever going to get married"? Sure. "How many children are you going to have"? None.

Try feeling this way and living in the SOUTH. Don't think I'm being judgemental here, I'm FROM the South. I can say this. I've always lived in the South (is Charlotte, NC really the South? I think so, but it's close to the North). Anyway, having a family is pretty important to folks down here. It validates you. It proves you are an adult and you're responsible. It forms a family.

When DH and I started dating, we didn't discuss children. About a year into our relationship, maybe after a few glasses of wine one night, I told him that I thought we should discuss something....that I didn't know where our relationship was headed, but there was something he should know about me. *Silence*. Do you think THAT scared him??? HAHA, yes it did. So I told him then that I was never interested in having children, it just wasn't something I felt I needed to do in life to be "whole". He told me at that time, fine I don't really care if I have them either - I never really wanted them. Viola! He was the man for me. Approximately 18 months later, we were married.

I should tell you now - I got married when I was 25 years old. I was YOUNG to be married (DH was only 26). Again, this is more traditional in the South (my opinion here folks). I was one of the last girls in my "crowd" to get married. By the time DH and I were married in October 1994, several friends were already having babies. Time marched on, a few more years went by. More friends had babies. To this very day, I can only think of one great friend of mine who does NOT have a baby or any children. This began to bother DH. He started to feel he was missing out on something. He asked me to do silly things, like one night after a few too many wines, he wanted me to sign a piece of paper saying I would have a baby!!! LOL, he thought he was being smart AND funny.

Finally we were at the beach for the weekend, and I sat DH down for an honest conversation. I told him that I just didn't want children, it didn't mean I had any less love for him - matter of fact, he wouldn't have to share me with anyone if there were no children. However, I told him that if a baby was that important to him, I would grant him the quickest and easiest divorce known to man. We could sell our house, split the proceeds, split the 401K's, split everything, use the same attorney, and he could go find another woman and start making some babies. This is the night that I knew, without a doubt, my DH loved me unconditionally. He told me that if having a child meant he couldn't have me, he didn't want one either.

We rocked along like this for YEARS. What I heard constantly: "WHEN are you going to have a baby" -- "Y'all would make the prettiest babies" -- "Your parents need and DESERVE a grandchild" (that's my personal favorite) -- "I just can't believe you don't want a baby" -- "why are you depriving DH of not having a son/daughter" (my 2nd personal favorite) "Don't you like children"???

Just to give you a good laugh, two of my favorite responses to those questions were: "Just because I HAVE a uterus, doesn't mean I have to USE it" (favorite) and "I just don't look at a baby like a piece of Gucci and think, I MUST HAVE THIS IMMEDIATELY" (favorite of everyone else). Seriously though, I never thought it was FAIR to have a child when you 1) weren't ready and 2) weren't even sure you wanted to! I see way too many people that almost act like they resent their children, and hate the seeming imposition in their daily lives. Some folks, their nerves just can't take it, but unfortunately - they usually don't realize it ahead of time. I always felt like that, so I knew it wouldn't be fair for a child to be born under those circumstances.

Mind you - in many ways, we have paid a hefty price for our decision. For years we were left out of everything. Friends had birthday parties for their children - we weren't invited. (You know, if you don't have children, you must not like them. This is what people think, seriously!). Silly friends, we would have come to the party, and brought your children a great present! We would have been the coolest aunt/uncle figure they'd ever know. As a result of this, we grew apart from some of our oldest friends. It wasn't on purpose - it just happened. They were going to soccer games and swim lessons on Saturday mornings, and we could still go to the beach and hang out for five hours without having to coordinate babysitters, carpools, etc. Dare I say.....we had a little more "freedom" than most folks our age, because we didn't have children.

Five years ago, my younger sister had her first baby boy. He was born several weeks early, and we were living in Charlotte at the time. We didn't get to see him for a while, but of course when we did, we feel in love with him immediately. My sister had a second son about 2 years later, and now we have two beautiful and oh so active and fun nephews! Thank goodness I thought, she is taking the pressure off me! There are finally some babies around here and everyone will stop BUGGING ME about having one!!!

Not long after Jake's birth, we moved to Destin, FL and were much closer to our family (only 2 hours away!). I suppose being around a child constantly gives you a different perspective....as I started to think, hey maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all....Approximately THREE years ago, I stopped using all "preventative measures" and thought, if it's meant to be for me to have a baby, I will. If it isn't, I won't. Simple.

Guess what??? NO - I'm not pregnant. I've never even been scared I was pregnant!!! My body seems to be one that will never carry a baby. I should say, I had LOTS of female problems, two surgeries and endometriosis that was pretty bad. My Dr. said years ago that it was "possible" to get pregnant, but might be more difficult for me that other people.


I have friends who have gone to such extreme measures to have children, at great cost to them physically, emotionally and financially. DH and I decided long ago that IVF, Surrogates, Adoption, etc were not options we would explore. Those options are great to have, but they weren't for us.

Sometimes the body just isn't build to do it, for whatever reason. There was another purpose for us. I believe that purpose was being a doting Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. I like to think DH and I have made, and will make later, a huge impact in the lives of the children around us. For now and for us, that's perfect and it works. It's enough.

Tomorrow we will honor our Mothers. Let's not forget the sacrifices they've made, and what they might have endured physically or emotionally to bring us into this world. Be thankful for your relationships and show your love.

p.s. Every year we receive a ton of holiday cards with photos of children, so last year we sent one of just us! You know, I'm showing off my family too! :-)

***2011 UPDATE***I was told a few months ago that I needed a hysterectomy. I am currently putting it off until the fibroid tumors, cysts, and endometriosis are so bad I can't stand it any longer. I hate to have any type of operation. This is another big reason I am trying to lose weight and get my body into shape again. It can't hurt.




11 comments:

  1. A month of no blogging? You? Wow!! I remember your story from last year... I am story you are still battling your health issues, Lori. I hope that they can indeed be resolved without surgery, however, if surgery is the way to go, you should listen to your doctor. Good luck down the road and keep us up to date. XOXO

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  2. I remember this from last year, thanks for sharing! That is a beautiful photo from Mother's Day- if I could just get my Mom and Sister in Lilly with me! I agree about the getting in shape, it makes you feel better overall, keep up the good work!

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  3. Great post! As a Charlotte, NC resident, I would also have to say that it's DEFINITELY the South! (We still have Virginia shielding us from the North, right?)

    Very insightful. Though I'm still working on trying to find a boyfriend, I think a lot of people have kids simply because it's the next "step" they feel they need to take. Good for you for thinking for yourself.

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  4. Thanks for a lovely post. I too am childless by choice and it was inspiring to read your words.

    I hope everything turns out ok on the health front.

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  5. Well I have a child and I still don't like most others :) But really, you're right. When we were out of school for snow-people would NOT stop complaining about "having" to hang out with their kids. I LOVE to hang out with mine-it's why I left a high-pay job to work part-time. People feel like they have to have kids and then they do and nobody is happy.
    My sister, who just turned 30, had to have a hysterectomy in January. Because of all the tumors and stuff-she put on a lot of weight. She's having a hard time getting it off because of all the meds she takes now. So good plan to start now and I hope everything works out well!

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  6. Hello Friend!

    Y'all look so pretty:)

    Hope you're having a great week!

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  7. love that picture of you and your sister and mom, you guys look gorgeous!

    I remember this post from last year. I remember having that same opinion when I was younger, and no I have four children, you just never know I guess. I think you were very smart not to feel like you had to have children if you weren't ready or if it was not something that you wanted.
    Thanks for sharing.

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  8. Great (re)post! I think it is wonderful that you knew yourself well enough to know that having children wasn't for you!

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  9. I love this post and thank you for posting it! I can definitely understand where you are coming from; we have just one child and that is enough for me. The argument I hear is "You/your family/your daughter deserves a sibling....". I know myself and know that I just don't want another child. It is hard for people to accept the choices we make for ourselves, especially when it goes against typical social (Southern! even in VA!) norms. Thank you for your post! :)

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  10. Hi Lori! This was a great post. I am sorry to hear that you have to have a hysterectomy. Can your doctor perform your hyst laparascopically? I assist a few surgeons who do these and the downtime & post-op pain are dramatically decreased. But, sometimes the fibroids have grown so large that the procedure can only be performed with an "open" incision.
    Take care,
    Gail

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  11. Thank you for writing this. I've been thinking a lot about how it seems there's no "postive" way to say I don't have kids--as if I'm lacking, or missing something, or "child-less," and many bloggers mention they have kids, and I don't mention that I don't have kids.

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