Friday, August 27, 2010

Advice for the Single Girl BFF

TGIF, everyone! Hope you are doing wonderful and planning a relaxing weekend filled with all your favorite things!

Today I ask all you single (and attached, committed, or married!) ladies for advice. One of my BFF's is single and looking. She doesn't date much, as she lives in a small town here in the Deep South - and good men are hard to come by.

To give you an idea what she's dealing with - the attorneys in her town have been known to wear overalls in public. Do you get the picture yet??? :-)

Moving on with the story...BFF has found a really nice man and they are dating now, and have been for several weeks. This man doesn't live in her town, he lives an hour or so away. Most of their dating has consisted of meeting at "neutral" locations like restaurants, movies, etc. approx. halfway, but she always makes sure he travels further than she does. (I told her I thought this was critical at this particular stage of the relationship).

She's in her early 30's......he's in his late 30's......her "main" question (and she has lots of others, but let's focus on one for now) is How to tell if he's really into her? Apparently he doesn't call, text, etc like most boyfriends have - and she's taking this as a sign that he's either:

1) reserved
2) shy
3) cautious
4) secretly involved with someone else at the same time (remember he lives an hour away!)
5) Who knows? What else could it be?

Put it like this, after three dates, he hadn't even tried to kiss her. Yeah, she's freaking out. Blowing my phone up with texts and late night conversations trying to figure out this man. Even my DH is trying to help us decipher the situation, which is slightly hilarious. :-)

What do you think? If he really is "into her" - how does she know? And then, how do you keep it this way? What are your "do and don't" moves, especially this early in a new relationship?

Hello my friends, I'm an old lady. I'm 40 years old and I haven't dated in 17-18 years...clearly she needs more advanced advice here. Help a Shopaholic's BFF, please! Let us know your thoughts!


  1. I'm in a similar boat up north though. I know *they* say to never initiate the "where's this going" conversation but I don't buy into that. She's in her 30's and is likely less willing to waste time if this is going nowhere. I think she should just ask him. That way, if he's not into her, at least she will know and can move on. But then again, I'm 32 and a half and still single so what do I know.

  2. Perhaps he IS into her and is just being really respectful. Maybe he's a godly man... or he might be gay?! Who knows!

  3. Here are my thoughts, although it's easy to tell you this and harder to act like this...

    Every woman deserves to be worshiped. So, if he is not falling head over heals for her and SHOWING IT, then she needs to move on.

    It doesn't even have to be a formal conversation, she just needs to start not being available for him and making other plans and open herself up for other dates.

    He is clearly not rocking her boat and if he is like this at the beginning when it's supposed to be the most fun, then the future looks pretty bleak!

    I am NOT suggesting she play any games... she just needs to realize that she is better off alone and continuing to look than with someone who doesn't make her feel like a princess! I think she should move on!

    Just my 2 cents!

    Hugs to your BFF!! Single is HARD!!

  4. I would say she needs to read the book or watch the movie "he's just not that into you." If a guy is into you, he will do whatever it takes to find a moment to text you, hang out, call. Maybe she should go for one of those overall loving lawyers and try to spruce up his wardrobe?

  5. Sad to say, I dealt with this both in college and right after I graduated with two different men - and in both cases, I was the last woman they dated before they decided they were gay.

    NOT saying this is your friend's situation...but it was mine.

  6. oh I feel for your BFF! I am in exactly the same boat! That said, I agree with Carrie above- I have seen some friends meet and fall in love, get married in a short amount of time, if he's into her, and vice versa, it would likely be a bit clearer. previously I've had some great boyfriends pursue and woo so I am holding out for that again! good luck to your bff!

  7. Sometimes slow but steady doesn't win the race. I think in the near future she should tell him what her goals are relationship wise. Either he will bolt, stay, or probably best, stay her friend. The main thing is I hope you bff does not settle. She deserves to have a guy who is crazy for her. Maybe they would be better as friends with no expectations and maybe he has a great friend or brother he is willing to set her up with.

  8. I'm not expert at relationships... but my golden rule.. is if a guy is interested he will make an effort. He will call, he will be the one to make plans because he wants to see you. etc etc.

  9. She shouldn't meet him anywhere anymore. If he wants to see her he should drive the full distance to pick her up. She should sweetly tell him that and let the chips fall where they may. Men really want to be the pursuers and she may be making it too easy for him.

  10. My husband and I dated long distance for 4 years, and he was much the same way as this guy your BFF has encountered. Up until him, I had always known clearly whether or not a guy was into me -he would call or text, or somehow try to stay in very close contact with me. After a few weeks of dealing with this type of treatment, I decided (much like previous comments suggest) that he was either seeing someone else on the side or he was gay and trying to cover for it. It turns out he was neither -he DID really like me, but he had never (at 29!) really dated anyone and didn't quite know what to do. He didn't realize that women needed the security of being a little bit pursued to know for sure that a guy likes her. So don't give up hope on him! She may need to just ask him why he doesn't seem to stay in contact with her as much as most guys, he might have a very good reason and have no clue that it makes him seem uninterested!

  11. I've been married for 26 years and am not the one to give advice. I always say that if anything happened to my husband, I'll never date again. I just couldn't handle it:)

  12. First, let me say that I am also from a very small town, I am 32 and have been divorced for 7 years, and I have my masters in relational communication. Oh, and I also work in an office with ALL women. The ladies in my office and I have talked about this kind of guy quite a bit before. I am the only single in my office and the ladies are always trying to help decipher my relationships. What we have personally found is that it doesn't matter what the reason, if you want a man who seems more interested in you than this guy seems to be then he is not the right one for you. If your expectation is that he will call regularly and make the effort to drive the hour to spend time with you on your home turf, which is a reasonable expectation, then this relationship ultimately won't work. I know how you feel and I also am not looking for perfection, just someone nice and funny to spend my time with. Whew, single is hard! Best of luck!:)


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